Movie Review: Transformers 3 (5 Reasons It Sucked)

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding Transformers 3.

Unfortunately, none of it is justified.

Although I am a bit biased in that I dislike Summer Blockbusters (I can acknowledge that Jaws is a well-made movie, even a good one, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it) and that Micheal Bay films are not my cup of tea, even my father and one of my male friends admitted that the movie was “just okay.”

Why? We discussed this and determined…

1. There were too many characters – The cast list was huge. There were russians, americans, british people, evil guy, girlfriend, the hero, a bunch of autobots, some decepticons, some guy from the last movie, Shia’s new boss, his parents, his black friend, his black friend’s friends, his friends, his transformer’s friends, the military lady, the military lady’s subordinate, the subordinate’s squad, the regular soldiers… eventually you just had to stop and ask, “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO WE NEED SO MANY OF THEM?” The fact that we have to ask who they were lets you know that…

2. Interesting side-characters were shunted aside – You know who my favorite character was? Dutch. That Russian German Dutch bodyguard who was trying to become a new man? He completely owned the screen in every scene he was in– all five minutes of them. You know who else I liked? Shia’s boss, who disappeared halfway through the movie. That Asian guy they killed off. The black man who appears for the last 1/4 of the movie. They all got too little screentime– even Bumblebee was on there for all of seven minutes or so! Their screen time was replaced with…

3. Action scenes that were too long – Shia dangling from a rope can only be entertaining for so long. Seven minutes is way past that number. Only a certain amount of explosions can keep me entertained. The action scenes were so long that it’s a shame that they didn’t cut that down in favor of the plot, because…

4. There was too much plot for the time it was given – the plot consists of a few well paced scenes in the beginning and disintegrates somewhere in the middle with people shouting key plotlines over loud explosions and collapsing buildings. I gave up trying to pay attention halfway through, because there was too much of an assault on my senses. It was way too hard to watch the 3D for three hours without feeling sick, see tons of explosions and special CGI effects, hear the awesome soundtrack and explosions, hear the voices on top, and try and discern what they were saying. And the popcorn was really buttery.

5. There were no girls to identify with – Not one badass girl. Yes, there’s the military lady, who denies the fact that she’s a woman. I liked her, because I hated her. Her actress was really good. But Shia’s new girlfriend is constantly ogled by the camera in the beginning– that scene where her boss describes his car while the camera pans over her– “Sleek, sexy curves” was very subtle. I felt really creepy. Yes, she’s hot, can we do this less blatantly? Eventually the movie got uncomfortable with creeping on her because Shia admitted that she was The One, and the movie decided “we can’t ogle The One. DEMOTE HER TO DAMSEL IN DISTRESS YEAH!” so we have tons of scenes of her sprinting around in high heels through broken buildings and… just. Fine. I don’t mind that she’s a damsel in distress. What I mind is that I had no one to identify with and root for, except that black guy. Shia’s really whiny and arrogant so I didn’t identify with him. So for the entire movie I identify with side characters who did not have enough screen time and it just led to me being out of touch with the entire movie.

 

I’d give Transformers 3 a 3.5 out of 5 … or a 2 out of 4. Slightly better than average due to huge budget action scenes, but it’s still just a summer blockbuster, nothing less, nothing more.

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